Joseph Michael Gonzalez-Kolarcik.

My baby boy got his wings on Friday October 17, 2008.

He was only 25 weeks. He was a born asleep.

I was fine and healthy one day and the next day got up high pressure and it was down hill from there. 

I was placed in the hospital and the doctors said he would be fine.  He was doing great, nothing to worry about.  He would be here by Thanksgiving the Doctor said. His heart was beating great one minute and two hours later he was gone.

I had to delivery my son knowing he was gone. That was the worst feeling in the world.

They said it would take about 16 hours for him come and I just wanted to die.  I wanted a c-section but couldn’t have one. This day was October 16, 2008.  I can’t really remember much.  Just the pain in heart and soul. I know that I started to get contractions at some point in the afternoon, with all the drugs I fell asleep at some point until the next morning. When I awoke that morning I was hoping it was a bad dream but I felt my contractions so strong and painful.  

I felt the need to push so bad but the same time I was so scare to push. I was scare to see him but at the same time I wanted to see him so bad. Everyone is yelling at me push, push harder and all I could think was why.  Why should I push?  He is gone. I stopped pushing for a few minutes because I got so mad but the pain was intense I had to push some more. This time I pushed none stop until he was out. I knew he was gone yet I still waiting to hear his cry so I could tell the doctors they where wrong. But the only thing I heard where my cries and my screams as he was placed on me.

He was so small and precious.  I still have his smell in my nose and his face will never leave my eyes.

So on October 17, 2008 @ 10:31 A.M my second son Joseph Michael was born and died, and so did a part of me. I will never be the same again.